Willing

At a meeting this week, I heard someone qualify who I'd considered asking to be my sponsor in the past. I got a lot out of what she said, but I found myself trying to shore up reasons why she would not be a good sponsor for me. This defensiveness was so apparent, so on the surface.

I don't feel like I can trust many people yet. In meetings sometimes that feels like a dirty secret. I can speak in front of a group about how much the program has helped me, but I haven't admitted out loud how insecure I still feel in that environment, and in many environments.

In my mind the struggle is between whether to trust first in order to get to the point where I can really work the steps, or to just swallow the insecurity and find a sponsor and see how it goes. From what I read and hear, the trust comes with the practice of the steps, not before you get started. Maybe that's the wrong question. It's likely that it really takes faith to start the process, rather than trust.

I feel like I'm building up a pile of things to make amends for in the interim. These are daily things like being judgmental or self-seeking. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself that I fail to act at all.

Mr. Sponsorpants has a great post up about willingness. And I heard again the other day that this is not a self-help program.

Writing this is a form of repetition that can move me to act and to calm me down when I'm judging myself into a corner. I'm glad that I can be willing in this small way for today.