The View Along the Way

I'm stuck recently in a season of annoyance. At work, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about who's not treating me right, who's not doing their job, who's keeping things from me that I believe I'd be better off knowing. I've been alarmed by the fact that this emotional funk is drifting into Al-Anon meetings, too. I find myself annoyed by other people's dominance. I'm not proud of this, but it's true.

I've been thinking about discontent, and about the slogan "happiness is an inside job." I was talking with my boyfriend the other day about my frustration with what feels like my lack of progress in recovery. He said, "you must feel like you read your books every day and go to meetings, where's the progress?" That is what it feels like. Where is the product of my work on myself? What is it? When will I know? And will I diminish it by beating myself up along the way for not being "there" yet?

Or is it more accurate to think that "there is no there, there?" That the view from where I am will always be one with plenty of room to stretch out and keep growing. The thought can feel comforting at times and at other times feel like such a heavy thing.

I was reminded of all of this when I got an invitation from my brother to go to a party at his house this weekend. We live in the same city, and see each other occasionally. It sucks to feel this, but for many years I haven't felt good around my brother. He makes me feel drained and minimized. We had a pretty symbiotic relationship for a long time, and being around him provokes an inner fight between regression and recovery. It's not something I can handle very well yet.

When I'm met with these requests from him, my mind gets fuzzy and I lose all ability to think rationally. Then, I ask my boyfriend for advice. It's good advice, coming from his own time in recovery, but my motive for asking is more than just wanting insight. Part of me wants to be free from the responsibility of making any decision. Like a kid, I want someone to take control and make the decision for me.

Here's what it is: it would be great to hang out with my brother if it wasn't hard as hell hanging out with my brother. If he didn't demand emotional support that I can't give and didn't have distorted expectations about who I am, we could see each other every few months, go our separate ways and be at peace with the knowledge that we are living our own lives. But that's not the way he is; that's not the way my family is. And the expectation that that's going to change each time I get an invitation is stressful to me. Pretending to go along with his request is a disservice to him. Hanging on to an old way of keeping a relationship together isn't the best thing for me right now.

I think one of the things I can work on distinguishing is the difference between how it feels to be pulled towards responsibility to myself, or towards responsibility for the feelings, attitudes and choices of another person. I can mistake the discomfort I feel about being responsible for stretching out as my recovery progresses for the same discomfort I feel when I'm stretching myself beyond my limits to do what someone else wants me to do. Awareness of these feelings is the place to start. It isn't pretty or quick, but it's a choice that's guided by my higher power's vision of a future that includes freedom from co-dependence: a scary, but wonderful, place to be headed.