Waiting

I went into my first Al-Anon meeting with a thought that I’ve heard many times in other people’s shares: that I could quickly get in and get out with the information I needed to recover. I once heard someone share that they had been convinced that after two or three meetings they would be teaching the steps to others. This was someone with over 20 years in the program.

Growing up in a family with addictions, there was never enough time, everything was rushed. Things like doing well in school or being able to take care of yourself were a sign of personal worth. Asking for help made you a liability. So, at my first meeting, my plan was to share really well, blow everyone away and somehow be promoted to the top of the class. I thought this was the kind way of being in Al-Anon, which wouldn’t involve burdening anyone.

Instead, I heard “keep coming back,” and the confusing: “stay, and wait for the miracle to happen.”

This has affected my understanding of my higher power: one that isn’t just with me, but one that moves me to plunk my butt down every time I have the urge to get up and run away. A higher power that is patient with the process and that is rooting for me in ways that I don’t yet know how to root for myself.

I am grateful for honest exchanges; hearing from others what my higher power needs me to hear.