Grim Determination

I was reminded today of a recent reading in One Day at a Time that focuses on resentment:

I have no room for resentment in my new Al-Anon way of life. I will not fight it with grim determination, but will reason it out of existence by calmly uncovering its cause. 

This is a great reminder to me that Al-Anon is a gentle program. I used to phrase my recovery goal in terms of “stability.” I wanted to stand firm despite the turbulence of the past, present and future that seemed to always be with me. But, I thought the cure for this was to be unmoved and unmovable. That, I’m realizing today, is what grim determination is.

The problem here is that I’ve left my higher power out of the picture; that everything becomes about my balance, my equilibrium, and my ability to maintain. With my higher power absent from my mind, “reasoning [resentment] out of existence” becomes obsession rather than an act that leads toward amends.

There’s another reading in the literature that illustrates this difference with the example of silence. Am I using silence to injure someone, or to passive-aggressively express a resentment? Am I setting my jaw while remaining silent? Or am I remaining quiet in order to let my higher power in; in order for the things I can’t see to become apparent?

The former seems like grim determination. The latter feels more like serenity.

I am grateful that the pressure I’ve felt to remain stable and determined is no longer necessary.