Peace Can Happen Anywhere

I'm thinking today about the physical feelings of serenity. When I move towards serenity, I feel less heavy, my words come out at a slower pace, and they feel natural. I can relax. The first time I remember feeling relaxed was when I was a kid and I was sitting in an armchair by myself. I thought, "this is what relaxing means."

One of the gifts of serenity is the understanding that it can happen anywhere, and that the reminders of the possibility of serenity come from everywhere. I find them at my church, at work, from my pets and from my partner.

And sometimes serenity feels very far away. I went to a workshop on meditation over the weekend, and learned about noting: stating on a second-by-second basis the states of one's body and mind while meditating. The sensations are rapid and transient. It's like the slogan, "this too shall pass."

I used to be very judgmental of people who believed in the power of healing. Now I'm happy to find that belief at the core of myself. As I imagine who I want to be, that value sticks around.

Thus
I saw God
and sought God...

And this is,
and should be,
what life is all about,
as I see it.

-Julian of Norwich

Grateful today

for reminders to surrender control.

Monday, Monday

I had jury duty today. Being in a room full of strangers is a real illustration of human diversity. There are those who huddle up in a corner and wait to be called and those who seek out conversation almost instantly. I noticed today that I was at peace being myself and being quiet in the midst of strangers.

I had the chance to declare hardship when called for what could be a four-week trial. I found myself practicing what I was going to say before I went in. When I rehearse my words in this way, I start slipping into the territory of manipulation. What I'm saying becomes less T.H.I.N.K. (thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary and kind) and more spin. I was conscious of this when I spoke to the judge, and did my best to just relay the facts. It was a good chance to use a new behavior.

I'm struck by the challenge of rectifying Al-Anon principles like "live and let live" with civic participation, especially when it requires me to judge the actions of another. I imagine there is no easy answer to this question.

I'm also thinking about being recently diagnosed with OCD. I'm not sure how important this diagnosis is to my recovery. I do believe that there are Al-Anon concepts and slogans that seem to apply to the experiences of people with OCD. I've even read online that therapists have used twelve step concepts and meetings to help treat OCD patients, even if they have no personal or family history of addiction.

Say what you mean

by Les LaRue

I am grateful for:

The realization that when I don't over think what I'm going to say, I can say what I mean.

For the example of people saying what they mean and being true to themselves.

For knowing that another person's emotional experience is not for me to interfere with, or judge or try to make guesses about. There is so much to learn just by listening and being with someone: by acknowledging another person for all that they are.

Things I'm learning

That "self-help" really is not what recovery is about.

I can never know another person's motivations. It's hard enough sometimes knowing my own.

That my ego would be happy to be left alone in a room to seethe, and I can either seethe with it or let it go.

Some days I'm really critical and I can't shake it. Sometimes I have to just wait it out.

"I am not a puzzle to be solved.  I must let go of this illusion -- this distraction -- that I am a puzzle to be worked on -- that I have to figure out how to arrange all the pieces to make them fit.  That is not my job.  That is God's job.  My job is to just keep showing up for it." -from Mr. Sponsorpants

Willing

At a meeting this week, I heard someone qualify who I'd considered asking to be my sponsor in the past. I got a lot out of what she said, but I found myself trying to shore up reasons why she would not be a good sponsor for me. This defensiveness was so apparent, so on the surface.

I don't feel like I can trust many people yet. In meetings sometimes that feels like a dirty secret. I can speak in front of a group about how much the program has helped me, but I haven't admitted out loud how insecure I still feel in that environment, and in many environments.

In my mind the struggle is between whether to trust first in order to get to the point where I can really work the steps, or to just swallow the insecurity and find a sponsor and see how it goes. From what I read and hear, the trust comes with the practice of the steps, not before you get started. Maybe that's the wrong question. It's likely that it really takes faith to start the process, rather than trust.

I feel like I'm building up a pile of things to make amends for in the interim. These are daily things like being judgmental or self-seeking. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself that I fail to act at all.

Mr. Sponsorpants has a great post up about willingness. And I heard again the other day that this is not a self-help program.

Writing this is a form of repetition that can move me to act and to calm me down when I'm judging myself into a corner. I'm glad that I can be willing in this small way for today.

Opening Up

I am grateful:

That when I'm still and calm I can speak in a way that feels true to myself.

That I don't have to spend every minute of my working day working.

That I can vent and know that it's venting, instead of assuming that I am a bad person.

Awareness.

For today

I am grateful that I learned how to do a pull-up.

The View Along the Way

I'm stuck recently in a season of annoyance. At work, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about who's not treating me right, who's not doing their job, who's keeping things from me that I believe I'd be better off knowing. I've been alarmed by the fact that this emotional funk is drifting into Al-Anon meetings, too. I find myself annoyed by other people's dominance. I'm not proud of this, but it's true.

I've been thinking about discontent, and about the slogan "happiness is an inside job." I was talking with my boyfriend the other day about my frustration with what feels like my lack of progress in recovery. He said, "you must feel like you read your books every day and go to meetings, where's the progress?" That is what it feels like. Where is the product of my work on myself? What is it? When will I know? And will I diminish it by beating myself up along the way for not being "there" yet?

Or is it more accurate to think that "there is no there, there?" That the view from where I am will always be one with plenty of room to stretch out and keep growing. The thought can feel comforting at times and at other times feel like such a heavy thing.

I was reminded of all of this when I got an invitation from my brother to go to a party at his house this weekend. We live in the same city, and see each other occasionally. It sucks to feel this, but for many years I haven't felt good around my brother. He makes me feel drained and minimized. We had a pretty symbiotic relationship for a long time, and being around him provokes an inner fight between regression and recovery. It's not something I can handle very well yet.

When I'm met with these requests from him, my mind gets fuzzy and I lose all ability to think rationally. Then, I ask my boyfriend for advice. It's good advice, coming from his own time in recovery, but my motive for asking is more than just wanting insight. Part of me wants to be free from the responsibility of making any decision. Like a kid, I want someone to take control and make the decision for me.

Here's what it is: it would be great to hang out with my brother if it wasn't hard as hell hanging out with my brother. If he didn't demand emotional support that I can't give and didn't have distorted expectations about who I am, we could see each other every few months, go our separate ways and be at peace with the knowledge that we are living our own lives. But that's not the way he is; that's not the way my family is. And the expectation that that's going to change each time I get an invitation is stressful to me. Pretending to go along with his request is a disservice to him. Hanging on to an old way of keeping a relationship together isn't the best thing for me right now.

I think one of the things I can work on distinguishing is the difference between how it feels to be pulled towards responsibility to myself, or towards responsibility for the feelings, attitudes and choices of another person. I can mistake the discomfort I feel about being responsible for stretching out as my recovery progresses for the same discomfort I feel when I'm stretching myself beyond my limits to do what someone else wants me to do. Awareness of these feelings is the place to start. It isn't pretty or quick, but it's a choice that's guided by my higher power's vision of a future that includes freedom from co-dependence: a scary, but wonderful, place to be headed.