Needs

I've had several good conversations about needs recently; particularly the need to be loved. Early on, I came to conclusion that the best way of coping with not having my needs met was to stop having needs. Physical, emotional and sexual needs just became things I would not entertain. And I reached a tentative peace with this, like being set on ice and made to stop for the benefit of others. What I see now is that while I was trying to preserve everyone from dealing with my needs, I wasn't present to really interact with anyone. Whenever someone took one step towards me, I took one step back, in order to avoid what I once believed was the inevitable conclusion: disappointment. It's hard to shed this urge to withdraw; it's hard to believe that there is any other way to feel safe. The expectation that embracing yourself will bring immediate warmth and a sense of purpose is another expectation that won't be met. It's the process that makes it possible. The process is anxiety-producing, but knowing that I've felt a different kind of life is enough to keep me moving toward it.